Aggression..in all its glory

This is a topic that I find is usually not talked about, even though it needs to be. people get uncomfortable, shy away or just change the subject.

I want to start off by saying  every person with autism is different, our journey with Mr.Smiles and the Brute has been one that has seen plenty of aggression.

It started with Mr.Smiles he was just turning three when it really flared up. He would kick, smack  and try to punch, usually while screaming at the top of his lungs.  As he got older the aggression changed  in the way he carried it out and how we handled it change also. When he was younger we would just turn away and ignore the behavior, eventually he would run out of steam, during especially difficult aggressive outburst we would place him in his room and wait.

Now he is 3 years older over 4ft tall and almost 55lbs we can no longer ignore it when he hits or looses control. We will wrap him up holding him so that he can not hit or kick, trying to place him in his room mid meltdown is just not feasible it allows for to many opportunities for him to hurt his self or us as we are moving him.

We did seek out applied behavior therapy (A.B.A) when he turned four and they have been monumental in helping Mr.Smiles cope with his emotions and learn appropriate ways to show he is upset and to calm down instead of becoming aggressive. Now these moments are not as often and his last big one was a week span several months ago where he ended up punching out the window at his A.B.A center. They handled it wonderfully and he was okay (thank goodness). After adjusting his anti-seizure medication he seemed to level back out.  (Mr.Smiles is in A.B.A full time and home-schooled but that is a whole other blog post waiting to happen )

I know with Mr.Smiles he does not go into these moments of rage thinking I am going to hurt you, he is not planning this out. What he is , is a little boy who's emotions are way to big for him to handle and he has not quite learned to say ("enough, This is all to much and I need you help me because i'm fixing to loose it) He is a little boy with Autism and his Autism effects his ability to communicate his feelings , even though he can tell you all about sea slugs and vampire squids. He can not however  tell you when its all to much before hes already spiraling and its to late.
He is a little boy who will go into a aggressive outburst and then meltdown because he doesn't want to be that way.
Mr.Smile gets consequences when he has aggressive outburst with anyone or thing, This however does not mean that we cant be compassionate and understanding that as hard as it is for us, it is even more difficult for him. He will literally go to sleep if at home after these outburst. most of the time once he comes around hes upset with his self over it way more than we are (and believe me it takes its toll on us also)

I think that we need to talk about these types of behaviors that do often pop up when raising children with Autism because it shouldn't be taboo.  it does not mean your not parenting at your best and it absolutely does not mean your child is "bad"

the brute is really just entering his aggressive meltdowns and his include trying to bite and scratch (oh the joys)

But for every trying moment they give us. We always get ten more wonderful, sweet , loving  this is our boys moments

https://www.autismspeaks.org/sites/default/files/section_1.pdf

Dont miss it!

 So something that I myself have definitely been guilty of is focusing on what my boys were having a hard time with, what they may never accomplish or what will be a struggle for the rest of their lives and the implications of said struggle.

I work very hard to remind myself to stay in the NOW and not look at the FUTURE.
 this really does help. It makes me see the progress no matter how small that either of them make, which small in the world of autism is actually huge!

For example The brute is considered non-verbal, this was extremely hard for me and was probably the hardest part of his regression for me to accept.. Admittedly I fell into the belief that well speech is everything. The truth is he does communicate, maybe not with words but he does in other ways.
I marvel sometimes in how hard he has to work to show me what he wants and how inventive he becomes.

If I stay stuck on the fact that he doesn't talk like other neuro typical two year olds, I would miss how smart and resourceful My two year old is.

It was hard to change my thinking to look more at the positives trust me, after a long day of Mr.Smiles being aggressive  or The brute biting his brother yet again. It was hard to stay in the now and not start thinking of what a year or five would look like.  so I started small I would remind myself one hour or even ten minutes from this moment this tough moment would be in the past.

That is not to say that I don't have my bad days, everyone does but we can not get stuck in those days or you will miss the little beautiful moments in between the hard ones. You will miss the progress worrying to much about the future.

the first time The brute raised his arms to show me he wanted to be picked up was tremendous for me he was 18 months old, way past the age that babies usually start this. It forced me to stop and realize that these small moments were what I needed to focus on.

so please slow down take a breath and don't miss it :)

Working through the diagnosis two times over.

Getting the diagnosis for our first son Mr.Smiles  when he turned four was a learning experience to say the least.

basically we were handed pages and pages of everything they looked at, what he was not doing well with and ultimately his diagnosis. which included Autism,Adhd and a mood and behavior disorder.
That was it... we were left with more questions than answers and all we could get was well you can try xyz but it doesn't always work.

so I did a lot of research, and still just not a lot of answers. With Mr.Smiles we just kind of went O.K this is what he has and we are going to do everything we have to and make sure he gets the help he needs.



When The Brute was diagnosed it was a bit different, I was so afraid that our second son was going to have Autism also. I had this pit in my stomach that he would regress and be non-verbal.

This is of course exactly what happened, around the time we were having our second diagnosed things had kicked up with Mr.Smiles , he was still not sleeping  and becoming increasingly aggressive. I was sleep deprived and Sad.

when we got the final word on The brutes diagnosis, which consisted of Autism and a language disorder. I was done... tired , scared and angry. Even though the husband and I knew the autism diagnosis was coming it did not lessen the blow at all.

so I spent some time feeling terrible for feeling scared, sad and angry. When I finally decided that ok you know what this does not take away from how sweet, funny and brilliant both of my boys are!
we will have to work harder, Maybe somethings will never happen or maybe they will just come later.
But it was ok to be upset as long as we moved on and kept trying, as long as we still looked at our boys and saw all the potential they have no matter a diagnosis and as long as we accepted what was and strived to help them no matter what.

And Here came the start of our Adventure!

My husband and I welcomed our first son into our lives in 2010. He was a great baby he talked early, walked on time was fun to be around and just all around great!

he did have his quirks like the months and months where he would cry when anyone laughed (that was fun during my wedding lol) I was also unable to change his diapers in public restrooms with out him screaming bloody murder.

The closer our Mr.Smiles got to 3 the more his behavior and lack of social  and safety awareness became apparent, He also stopped sleeping! he would maybe get 3-4 hours a night.

One day after a awful meltdown, my mom took me out for lunch. We sat and ate and she approached the subject of Autism asking me if  I had considered it as a possibility. I was relieved not only was I not the only one seeing that something just was not adding up, I finally felt like maybe we could get some answers and help for him.

weeks followed and conversations with the husband, then finally we made a pediatrician appointment.
we went over everything all of the uncontrollable tantrums, the lack of sleeping, not being able to bathe him without a huge fight and plenty more. She referred us out to a neuropsychologist for a evaluation.

Finally the day had come and we went in for the eval, half a day later and we were sent to wait for the results....

when we received the email with the detailed diagnosis, it was hard to read. Mr.Smiles not only had ADHD but there it was in black and white AUTISM... 
so reading and research and hours and hours of trying to find him the best help ensued.