Dont miss it!

 So something that I myself have definitely been guilty of is focusing on what my boys were having a hard time with, what they may never accomplish or what will be a struggle for the rest of their lives and the implications of said struggle.

I work very hard to remind myself to stay in the NOW and not look at the FUTURE.
 this really does help. It makes me see the progress no matter how small that either of them make, which small in the world of autism is actually huge!

For example The brute is considered non-verbal, this was extremely hard for me and was probably the hardest part of his regression for me to accept.. Admittedly I fell into the belief that well speech is everything. The truth is he does communicate, maybe not with words but he does in other ways.
I marvel sometimes in how hard he has to work to show me what he wants and how inventive he becomes.

If I stay stuck on the fact that he doesn't talk like other neuro typical two year olds, I would miss how smart and resourceful My two year old is.

It was hard to change my thinking to look more at the positives trust me, after a long day of Mr.Smiles being aggressive  or The brute biting his brother yet again. It was hard to stay in the now and not start thinking of what a year or five would look like.  so I started small I would remind myself one hour or even ten minutes from this moment this tough moment would be in the past.

That is not to say that I don't have my bad days, everyone does but we can not get stuck in those days or you will miss the little beautiful moments in between the hard ones. You will miss the progress worrying to much about the future.

the first time The brute raised his arms to show me he wanted to be picked up was tremendous for me he was 18 months old, way past the age that babies usually start this. It forced me to stop and realize that these small moments were what I needed to focus on.

so please slow down take a breath and don't miss it :)

Working through the diagnosis two times over.

Getting the diagnosis for our first son Mr.Smiles  when he turned four was a learning experience to say the least.

basically we were handed pages and pages of everything they looked at, what he was not doing well with and ultimately his diagnosis. which included Autism,Adhd and a mood and behavior disorder.
That was it... we were left with more questions than answers and all we could get was well you can try xyz but it doesn't always work.

so I did a lot of research, and still just not a lot of answers. With Mr.Smiles we just kind of went O.K this is what he has and we are going to do everything we have to and make sure he gets the help he needs.



When The Brute was diagnosed it was a bit different, I was so afraid that our second son was going to have Autism also. I had this pit in my stomach that he would regress and be non-verbal.

This is of course exactly what happened, around the time we were having our second diagnosed things had kicked up with Mr.Smiles , he was still not sleeping  and becoming increasingly aggressive. I was sleep deprived and Sad.

when we got the final word on The brutes diagnosis, which consisted of Autism and a language disorder. I was done... tired , scared and angry. Even though the husband and I knew the autism diagnosis was coming it did not lessen the blow at all.

so I spent some time feeling terrible for feeling scared, sad and angry. When I finally decided that ok you know what this does not take away from how sweet, funny and brilliant both of my boys are!
we will have to work harder, Maybe somethings will never happen or maybe they will just come later.
But it was ok to be upset as long as we moved on and kept trying, as long as we still looked at our boys and saw all the potential they have no matter a diagnosis and as long as we accepted what was and strived to help them no matter what.

Our Second tour guide :)

In early 2014, My husband and I welcomed The brute.

he was just precious, he was a good baby a lot fussier than Mr.Smiles was but we expected them to be complete opposites. At about six months old I noticed that he went from babbling to just screaming a lot. I did brush it off thinking that I was just being hyper vigilant because of Mr.Smiles and his diagnosis.

At about 12 months old The brute did start saying momma and dada, he would also wave and say bye bye :) by 13 months all words were gone he was no longer waving bye bye, no more blowing kisses.

And... I just knew, I knew in my heart exactly what was going on. This time the hubby and I talked some here and there about it, we waited and watched.

by 14months The brute would bite his self when mad, he hardly played with toys. instead he preferred to carry them around having one in each hand. the most concerning was that he was not trying to mimic us at all and had not regained any words.

Off to the pediatrician we went, We were given a referral to a developmental pediatrician because of his age.  At 15 months we went in for a eval to check his speech. 4 hours later we left with a diagnosis of a language disorder and AUTISM..

There it was again and this time I was angry (I felt terrible feeling that way ) I was mad at this disorder and what it was taking away from my little boy. I was angry that the one thing I was so terrified of was happening. That he regressed ,  The fact that he would get so upset that he would bite his self or others.  I was terrified thinking about how, my husband and I were going to handle the needs of two boys on the spectrum.

looking back now I no longer feel bad for feeling that way, it was honest and raw and I was hurting for my boys. I wanted to take away how hard life was and would be for them. Back then I felt I was supposed to just pick up and carry on no matter what. Now ill be the first to tell you accept your feelings and work through them, YOU are not wrong for feeling them !

no one can be strong all the time.

And Here came the start of our Adventure!

My husband and I welcomed our first son into our lives in 2010. He was a great baby he talked early, walked on time was fun to be around and just all around great!

he did have his quirks like the months and months where he would cry when anyone laughed (that was fun during my wedding lol) I was also unable to change his diapers in public restrooms with out him screaming bloody murder.

The closer our Mr.Smiles got to 3 the more his behavior and lack of social  and safety awareness became apparent, He also stopped sleeping! he would maybe get 3-4 hours a night.

One day after a awful meltdown, my mom took me out for lunch. We sat and ate and she approached the subject of Autism asking me if  I had considered it as a possibility. I was relieved not only was I not the only one seeing that something just was not adding up, I finally felt like maybe we could get some answers and help for him.

weeks followed and conversations with the husband, then finally we made a pediatrician appointment.
we went over everything all of the uncontrollable tantrums, the lack of sleeping, not being able to bathe him without a huge fight and plenty more. She referred us out to a neuropsychologist for a evaluation.

Finally the day had come and we went in for the eval, half a day later and we were sent to wait for the results....

when we received the email with the detailed diagnosis, it was hard to read. Mr.Smiles not only had ADHD but there it was in black and white AUTISM... 
so reading and research and hours and hours of trying to find him the best help ensued.